


In control (of the healing we both need)

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mind Control, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Nightmares, Violence, set a few months after s3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 07:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19718677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Ever since Magnus learned that Alec runs a bit cold, there’s been a warm blanket draped over the back of the couch. For late night movie marathons, afternoon naps, or lazy mornings. Now Alec uses it to cover Magnus’ body that he knows is feeling cold when the flow of his magic is weak and isn’t warming him from the inside like it usually is.Alec brushes his hand through Magnus’ hair as he thinks about all that went down in the past hour. He’d known from the beginning that summoning Asmodeus wouldn’t be a good idea, but never did he imagine that it would end like this.His free hand brushes his own neck absentmindedly and he can almost feel the press of cold metal against it.





	In control (of the healing we both need)

**Author's Note:**

> For anon who messaged me on [tumblr](https://sugarandspace.tumblr.com/)! I'm sorry it took me so long to write this, I got stuck. I hope you're still around and like this! :)

Meeting your partner’s father is always nerve wracking, but even with his extremely limited experience in dating, Alec knew that the meeting was rarely this tumultuous.

He hadn’t really thought about how he imagined Asmodeus to look like, but the man standing in front of them looks every bit the Greater Demon and the Prince of Hell he is. He radiates power - not the fiery, quick-tempered kind of power Alec was used to seeing in the battle - but the calm and calculative kind that was just as deadly and even more terrifying. 

There are similarities between him and Magnus, more than the cat eyes Asmodeus doesn’t even bother to cover. Alec supposes it is a part of the emotional game he has been trying to play with Magnus from the moment he had been summoned. 

They had summoned him here, to the abandoned warehouse at the edge of the city, to get some information they desperately needed to solve the case of someone summoning big herds of Edomi into the nearby forest. 

It had been clear from the beginning that Asmodeus didn’t have a clue about who it could be and that he had no connection to the case. But his manipulative words and mind games had kept them captivated for long enough that they hadn’t realised that he was stalling, not before they find themselves surrounded by what must be over twenty demons. 

“They sensed me here,” Asmodeus explains. “Wanted to meet their Master. Wanted to help him.”

The fight starts instantly, the demons attacking the five of them - Alec, Magnus, Izzy, Jace and Clary - and forcing them to turn their backs to the Malachi configuration where Asmodeus is trapped on. 

Where he is trapped, until one of the demons sneaks around them and lifts one of the swords from the ground, releasing Asmodeus.

He doesn’t vanish, doesn’t escape the warehouse. He stands there watching as the Shadowhunters and Magnus get rid of the demons, one by one. Never once does the cocky expression leave his face.

As the sounds of the battle fade to silence, the atmosphere grows tense. They know they can’t just attack Asmodeus with their weapons, not even Magnus’ magic would be enough to defeat him without a plan. Charging towards him would be a suicide mission.

They all know that, and so does Asmodeus. 

He stands there in front of them, smiling, the expression on his face almost challenging.

“I think it’s time to go home now, son.” He says, looking at Magnus and extending his hand towards him.

“In your dreams,” Magnus says. His words are dripping venom as his magic is visibly gathering into his fingertips.

“Oh how I’ve dreamed of that day,” Asmodeus says, not paying attention to Magnus’ rude tone. “Just imagine all the things we could do together. Do you remember how well we did work together? How I teached you all the things you were capable of with your powers? How I made you the man you are right now? Imagine what we could do now, when you’re older and stronger.”

“Shut up,” Alec says, noticing how Asmodeus’ words are affecting Magnus. Alec doesn’t know much about what Asmodeus had made Magnus do when he was a child, but he knows that those memories still haunt Magnus to this day.

“What is this?” Asmodeus says, turning his head to look at Alec instead. “A Nephilim defending you? I didn’t know you had stooped so low that you’re fraternizing with these creatures. Don’t you know that they think of themselves above you, above us? They kill those of your blood. Can’t you see that they are keeping you around for your powers? Because you are useful to them.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Alec says quickly, feeling sick to his stomach even at the idea of any of that being true. “You know it’s not true.”

“I know, Alexander,” Magnus says, his tone kind as he looks at Alec with a sincere expression. Why Alec even thought that he might doubt it, he didn’t know.

Asmodeus studies them with a thoughtful expression.

“Don’t tell me you’ve fallen in love with one,” he says to Magnus, his tone exasperated. “You’ve always been a fool when it comes to love, but I’m surprised you’ve handed your heart to a Shadowhunter.“

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand love,” Magnus says, and it seems to strike a nerve in Asmodeus. His eyes flash dangerously and the building shakes, small pieces of debris falling from the worn out ceiling. 

“I am the only one who will ever love you for who you are,” his words are loud and he takes a step closer to Magnus. Alec takes a step closer too but Asmodeus sees it and flicks his wrist, and Alec realises that his feet are glued to the floor, his arms bound to his torso with invisible ropes. He looks around and sees that the same has happened to the other three Shadowhunters. 

“That is not true,” Magnus says, and his words are calm. He takes a look at Alec before facing his father again. “You love the things I’m capable of, things I will never be doing again. You talk about these Shadowhunters using me, when that is exactly what you want to do. I thought banishing you all those years ago was enough of a hint that I want nothing to do with you.”

“Staying here is a waste of your abilities,” Asmodeus argues, and it’s clear he’s losing his temper. Alec would never say it out loud but he’s terrified. Terrified of what Asmodeus is going to do when he loses his temper. Alec feels helpless, with no means to help Magnus.

“You belong in Edom,” Asmodeus continues.

“I belong here,” Magnus says with a surety that implies that the conversation is over. 

“If you won’t come willingly,” Asmodeus says, his own hand sparking with deep red magic. “Maybe I need to show you that this isn’t where you belong either.”

Asmodeus sends magic towards Magnus, but Magnus is quick enough to react that it doesn’t hit him, their magic clashing in the middle. Alec tries to struggle out of his invisible bonds, but all movement proves to be useless, as it seems like with every movement the ropes around his torso get tighter and tighter. 

“Magnus!”

Magnus is clearly struggling with controlling the magic, but to his credit it looks like Asmodeus is having a hard time as well. The air in the building feels static, the power of colliding magic creating heat.

“No son of mine will love a Nephilim,” Asmodeus snarls, smoke seeping from his body and crawling towards Magnus. Magnus is unable to fight it, all his focus on the red glow of magic he’s trying to keep away from him.

The smoke moves along the dirty floor until it reaches Magnus’s feet. Then it climbs higher and higher, moving up Magnus’ body until it reaches his face. It seeps into him from his mouth, nose, and ears before it disappears inside him completely. 

Magnus’ magic drops, but so does Asmodeus’. Alec looks with baited breath as Magnus stands there frozen, his eyes glazed over.

“What did you do to him?!” Alec asks, demands to know, because he has no idea what is going on and it’s scaring him. This is not how this was supposed to go, their plan was supposed to be foolproof. 

“Just a simple spell to control his mind,” Asmodeus says, in a tone that sounds like they are discussing the weather. “Don’t worry, he’s awake in there. He knows exactly what he’s doing, is able to feel everything. Let’s see how much he loves staying in here, when he has to live with the guilt of killing his boyfriend.”

Asmodeus says the last word with an amount of disgust that turns his face into a scowl. Alec decides that it’s probably best not to correct him and tell him that they are actually married. 

“When he remembers how it feels like, to hold said Nephilim’s still warm heart in his bloody hand,” Asmodeus continues. 

“No!” comes the voice of Jace from Alec’s right, and Alec can see the others struggling with their bindings as well.

“Hmm,” Asmodeus hums, like he’s considering something. He snaps his fingers and the bindings disappear. All except Alec’s. “You are welcome to stop him. Show him how easy it is for you to decide to hurt him. To decide that he’s replaceable.”

“No one hurts him!” Alec commands immediately, his eyes focused on Magnus. Magnus is standing maybe ten feet away from Alec, with a vacant expression on his face. As Alec looks closer he can see his eyes glazed over with smoke. “Magnus, love, you need to fight it.”

There is no reaction.

“Kill him,” Asmodeus orders, his words cold and clear. The others take cautious steps closer but Alec stops them. 

“No,” he says, his words sure. “Don’t hurt him.”

Magnus is walking towards Alec now, his steps slow and sure as he gets closer. Alec is trying to fight the bindings, but they squeeze tighter and he’s finding it hard to breathe. His arms are pressing against his sides and his shoulder is in an awkward angle. It hurts but he needs to break free. 

Magnus crosses about half of the distance before the sound of a whip resonates in the room and Izzy, who had been standing behind Magnus, wraps her weapon around Magnus’ torso. The whip doesn’t hurt him, but it makes him stop for a moment.

The moment is short lived thought, when Magnus takes hold of the whip and yanks, making Izzy stumble and the whip to loosen. All this time, Magnus’ focus is on Alec. Alec can’t even imagine how he must be feeling, trapped there in his mind, forced to watch and unable to control his own body.

Asmodeus’ laugh echoes in the big building. “How is it, Shadowhunters? Are you just going to watch as he kills one of your kind? Or are you going to kill him like the demon he is?”

“Shut your mouth,” Jace spits, no doubt wanting to attack the Greater Demon but staying put, because as much as they hate to admit it, Asmodeus is holding the cards in this moment. 

Magnus is within a touching distance now, reaching down to take a hold of the seraph blade Alec is still clutching in his hand. He forces Alec’s grip to open and takes a hold of the weapon. The blade burns red as Magnus lifts it to Alec’s neck.

“Alec!” Izzy shouts, but Alec shakes his head, focusing on Magnus.

“It’s okay Magnus,” he says, trying to see through the smoke in Magnus’ eyes, trying to capture some hint that he’s listening. The only sign of real Magnus are the tears falling from his unfocused eyes. “I know his hold on you is strong. I don’t blame you for not being able to fight it. I love you. And I forgive you.”

“Aw, this is almost touching,” Asmodeus mocks.

Alec can feel the blade scraping his throat with every miniscule movement he makes, his breaths labored as he’s trying to breathe while the bindings are preventing his chest from expanding. He’s pretty sure at least two of his ribs have already snapped. There are black spots in his vision, and a part of him hopes that he’ll pass out before he feels the blade slice deeper.

He doesn’t experience either though, because there’s a sound of a blade being sunk in the ground and the bindings disappear.

He falls to the ground in a heap, watching as the blade drops down next to him. The smoke seeps out from Magnus, sinking back into the ground. For a moment it looks like every muscle in Magnus’ body is pulled taut, but as the last bits of the smoke fade, he deflates, immediately dropping to his knees next to Alec.

“Alec,” he says, fussing over him and trying to help him into a sitting position. “Alec I’m so sorry.”

Alec focuses on taking deep breaths, willing his heart to calm down. He looks over at Asmodeus and understands why the spells broke.

Asmodeus is fuming, his expression absolutely murderous as he screams. Alec has no doubt he would like to be using his magic, but fortunately that’s something he can’t do now when he’s back inside the Malachi configuration. 

During their conversation and his altercation with Magnus, he hadn’t bothered to move away from the area still surrounded by three of the four blades that make the trap. Judging on the way Clary is crouched down next to the fourth blade, her hand still on the hilt, it looks like she used the opportunity of Asmodeus being distracted to sink the fourth blade back into its place, trapping the Greater Demon once more. 

There’s a hand on Alec’s sore back, brushing up and down in an attempt of mimicking a calm breathing pace, and he looks to his side where he can see Jace, crouched down and looking worried. On his other side is Magnus, his cheeks still tearstained and his expression devastated as his shaking hands try to lift Alec’s chin, trying to see the seriousness of the cut that’s slowly bleeding.

Behind Magnus is Izzy, her calming hand on Magnus’ shoulder as she looks at Alec.

“Magnus,” Alec rasps out, his breaths getting deeper and less frequent, calmer. “I’m fine. You need to get rid of him.”

Magnus hesitates for a moment but seems to understand, because he nods, his hands growing steadier and his expression turning from caring to absolutely terrifying as he stands up, facing his father. Magnus’ place next to Alec is immediately filled by Izzy, who goes on activating Alec’s iratze.

But Alec’s focus is on Magnus. He wants Magnus to act fast, doesn’t want this to go on any longer. Doesn't want risk Asmodeus escaping again. 

“I hate you,” Magnus says, his voice cold and sure. “And I’m never going to join you.”

Magnus’ hands are glowing with red magic, his eyes glowing a vibrant gold as he stares his father down. He doesn’t give him the satisfaction of being able to reply and immediately starts chanting words in a language Alec doesn’t know. 

It looks like Asmodeus does though, because his expression goes from angry to cautious.

“Magnus-”

That’s all he manages to say before bright red flames erupt from the ground and circle Asmodeus. They get closer until they are licking at his legs, climbing higher until his whole body is covered in them. The screams pierce the air, as does the smell of burning flesh.

Eventually the flames die down, leaving nothing but a pile of ash in their wake. 

The magic fades from Magnus’ hands and he stumbles, a clear sign that he’s been pushing himself too much. Alec wants to go over there and help him, but his siblings are still trying to add irazes that would heal his injuries. Clary is faster, catching Magnus as he almost falls, her small body doing all it can to hold the warlock upright. 

Alec gently pushes his siblings away, because he has a feeling the irazes have already done all they can to help. His ribs are no longer broken, and there’s no cut on his neck. All he feels is the ache in his torso, a phantom feeling of the bindings that held him tight. 

He winces when he stands up, but he walks towards Magnus with determined steps. 

“Magnus,” he says, taking a place on the other side of the warlock, helping Clary to keep him standing. Magnus’ eyes are half closed, his body swaying. They need to get him to rest.

“I’ll portal us out of here,” Clary says, as if reading Alec’s mind. Izzy is already picking up the blades that form the Malachi configuration, and Jace bends down to pick up Alec’s fallen sword from the ground. A part of Alec would have preferred it being left behind.

“Can you take us to the loft?” Alec asks, because he knows that that’s what Magnus needs now. He doesn't need to be in the Institute, he needs to be at home where he can gather his energy and his magic back in a familiar environment.

“Of course,” Clary says, and Jace comes to take her place supporting the basically half-unconscious Magnus so that she is able to create a portal.

* * *

As they step through it and find themselves inside Magnus’ familiar apartment, Alec feels for the first time like they are safe. They lower Magnus into the couch, and Alec sees that his eyes have now fallen completely shut. He’s not worried, because he can see the steady rise and fall of Magnus’ chest.

This isn’t the first time Alec has seen Magnus overuse his magic, but this is the first time it has been paired with emotional trauma like that. Interacting with his father must have been bad enough, but to be mind controlled as well? It is no wonder he is drained.

“Thank you,” Alec tells Clary, who nods in acknowledgement. 

“Are you sure you're feeling okay?” Izzy asks, looking at Alec with eyes that Alec knows to be able to detect his lies - a quality his sister has always possessed.

“I’m sure,” Alec says, and he’s being honest. He’s sore, but it’s nothing that rest won’t heal. 

“In that case, we’ll give you some space,” Jace says and pats Alec on the shoulder.

Izzy pulls him into a tight hug.

“Make sure he’s alright,” she whispers into his ear before they part. 

“I will,” Alec says, and that is a promise.

He watches as Clary creates another portal and the other three disappear through it. Once they are gone, Alec takes in a deep breath and turns to look at Magnus again. 

He doesn’t want to disturb his sleep, so he doesn’t remove Magnus’ jacket. But he does take off his shoes, as well as the scarf wrapped around his neck. He even opens the top button of his shirt to make sure he’s more comfortable.

Ever since Magnus learned that Alec runs a bit cold, there’s been a warm blanket draped over the back of the couch. For late night movie marathons, afternoon naps, or lazy mornings. Now Alec uses it to cover Magnus’ body that he knows is feeling cold when the flow of his magic is weak and isn’t warming him from the inside like it usually is.

Alec brushes his hand through Magnus’ hair as he thinks about all that went down in the past hour. He’d known from the beginning that summoning Asmodeus wouldn’t be a good idea, but never did he imagine that it would end like this.

His free hand brushes his own neck absentmindedly and he can almost feel the press of cold metal against it.

Alec shakes the thought away. It ended well, they are all safe. So maybe they didn’t get the information they were after, and maybe they are still just as stuck in their case as they were. But there are more important things in life.

He places a soft kiss on Magnus’s forehead and leaves him to rest, heading towards shower himself.

He takes off all of his gear, leaving the dirty clothes in the hamper. While getting in the shower, he sees his reflection in the bathroom mirror and stops.

While the iratze was able to heal the cut on his neck, it almost looks like it didn’t. There’s blood on Alec’s neck, part of it smeared and a part staining his sternum red where it had dripped down. He turns away from the mirror and gets into the shower.

The hot water feels heavenly against his sore muscles, helping him relax. He’s sure to wash himself thoroughly, making sure there’s no blood left as he finally steps out of the shower. He dresses into comfortable clothes and goes to check on Magnus.

He’s exactly in the same position he was in when Alec left him there, which goes to show how deep in sleep he still is. Alec watches him for a while, just to make sure he’s really sleeping, and that nothing has gone wrong while he was in the shower.

He remembers Magnus’ words about the perfect remedy for magic depletion, and heads towards the kitchen. There’s no steak in the fridge, but Alec finds enough ingredients to make a simple stir fry, and he gets to work.

* * *

Once the food is done, he ventures back into the living room. This time Magnus has moved and he’s now laying on his side with his face turned to the back of the sofa. Alec thinks about it for a while and decides that maybe he should wake him up to eat. To make sure he’s really fine, and then Magnus can go back to sleep.

Alec kneels down next to the couch and combs his fingers through Magnus’ hair, trying to coax him awake.

“Magnus,” Alec says, his voice a low murmur. “Magnus wake up.”

Magnus shifts, slowly waking up. Except it seems like he doesn’t want to, because he groans and burrows deeper into the back of the couch.

Alec almost feels sorry for him and lets him sleep, but he also knows that eating will do him good. 

“C’mon love, wake up,” he encourages. “I made food.”

It’s almost funny how the mention of food makes Magnus finally turn over, his tired eyes blinking open as he looks at Alec. Alec smiles down at him while he gathers his bearings.

Alec notices the moment Magnus remembers why exactly he’s lying on the couch. His eyes grow wide and he sits up, swaying a bit as his eyes rake over Alec’s body - and not in an appreciative way Alec has grown used to, but in a way that’s clearly searching for injuries.

“I’m fine,” Alec says before Magnus can even ask. Then he proceeds to fill the gaps Magnus’ memory must have. “You passed out after you sent your father away. Clary portalled us here.”

“Alexander,” Magnus says, his tone and the expression on his face screaming a thousand apologies. None of which Alec feels are needed.

“Stop it,” Alec says, his hand squeezing Magnus’ shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong.”

“But-,” Magnus says and Alec interrupts him. 

“It was your father, and you banished him back to Edom. He can’t hurt us anymore,” Alec says. Because even though he had ended up being the one with the physical injuries, he had no doubt that the injuries Magnus sustained cut deeper than that.

“I’m still sorry,” Magnus says, and Alec pulls him into a hug.

“Shh.”

Their hug is tight, and Alec can feel Magnus trembling in his arms. He doesn’t know how much of it is because of the magic depletion, and how much is for other reasons. He decides that right now it doesn’t matter, and just holds on tighter.

He doesn’t rush the hug, and only lets go when he feels Magnus pulling away. He looks tired and closes his eyes as Alec brushes his fingers against his cheek.

“Come on,” Alec says, standing up and pulling Magnus with him. “Let’s eat before the food turns cold.”

They walk to the kitchen and Alec gives Magnus a plate, placing a big portion of food on it. He takes himself some food as well and they head over to the table.

They eat in silence, but Alec doesn’t feel pressured to fill it with meaningless conversation. He just assumes Magnus is tired, and doesn’t pressure him to talk.

It takes him by surprise when Magnus does speak.

“I should have known he would try something like that,” Magnus’ words are quiet and he’s looking at his food rather than at Alec, the fork pushing the remaining pieces of chicken on the plate. “I should have been more careful, cast more wards around the Malachi configuration.”

“It all ended well,” Alec reminds him. Because it did. There might have been problems, to put it lightly, but in the end they had been able to get rid of Asmodeus. A feat that had by no means been easy or painless.

“But it almost didn’t,” Magnus words are stronger now, and he’s looking at Alec with his eyebrows furrowed. His eyes stare right at Alec’s as he continues. “He almost made me kill you! Why didn’t you let your siblings stop me?” 

Alec is thrown back by the question, and his voice raises involuntarily as he speaks next. “How can you even ask that?! I couldn’t have lived with myself if they’d killed you!”

“And you think I would have, if I’d ended up killing you?” Magnus asks and stands up, turning his back to Alec and walking away from the table. He stops a few feet away, his arms wrapped around himself. “How do you think it would have made me feel?”

Alec feel lost for words, but he follows his instinct and gets up, walking so he’s a touching distance from Magnus. He doesn’t reach out to him yet, wanting to sooth him with words before trying his luck with touch.

“I feel like there wasn’t a right way to act in that situation,” Alec says quietly. “My siblings killing you, you killing me - neither of those is a good result. We can argue about it until the end of time or we can admit that we got lucky, and we can appreciate the fact that we’re both here, relatively unharmed.”

Magnus doesn’t answer, but Alec hears him take in a shuddering breath. If Magnus isn’t going to talk, Alec will continue until he will. 

“I was really scared, Magnus.” He admits, his voice breaking a little but he doesn’t let it stop him. If he wants Magnus to talk about his feelings he can’t shut down himself. If he has to lead by an example he will. “I was afraid of losing you, I was afraid of what would happen if the spell made you kill me. I was afraid I’d never get to have this - you and me together at the loft.”

“So please Magnus,” Alec continues. “I don’t want to argue. The situation was horrible, but we both made it out of there alive. Can we focus on that?”

Magnus turns around slowly, and Alec sees that there are tears falling down his cheeks. Magnus lets his arms fall from around his torso, instead reaching them towards Alec in an invite for a hug.

Alec has never acted faster.

He brings his arms around Magnus, taking in a shuddering breath as he burrows his face into Magnus’ shoulder. Magnus is trembling, his breathing harsh as he’s trying to stop crying.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus says, holding Alec even tighter against him.

“I’m sorry too,” Alec says.

No more words are shared between them, they simply take comfort from the closeness. Eventually their tight grips loosen and they step away from each other.

“How do you feel about a bath?” Alec asks, remembering his original plan to help Magnus get his powers back up. He’s also positive that getting clean and changing into something more comfortable would help his husband relax. 

“Only if you’re joining me,” Magnus says, his voice sounding stronger.

“Gladly,” Alec agrees and takes Magnus’ hand, leading him to the bathroom where they start a bath and Alec settles first into the almost too hot water.

The bath does good to his sore muscles.

Magnus notices the sigh leaving Alec’s lips, and Alec isn’t surprised that he questions him for it. 

“Are you still hurting?” He asks, looking at Alec with his brows furrowed in worry. He’s still standing by the tub and his eyes sweep over Alec in another search for injuries, but as they find none they return to Alec’s face.

“I’m just a bit sore,” Alec says, deciding to be honest. “From the bindings. It’ll pass in a couple of days.”

Magnus doesn’t say anything, he just nods, a grave expression on his face. Despite of that, he gets into the water and settles against Alec, before a question pops into his head. 

“I’m not hurting you, am I?” He asks, obviously referring to the way his weight is resting on Alec’s torso. He goes to get up but Alec stops him, wrapping his arms around his husband and keeping him close.

“You’re not,” Alec says. Maybe it is a small lie, and maybe Magnus’ weight does cause some discomfort to his sore ribs. But the comfort he gets from the closeness overpowers the discomfort easily, and it’s not even an option for him to let Magnus move further away.

Magnus doesn’t fight it, and relaxes against Alec.

“How are you feeling?” Alec asks, whispers the question against the side of Magnus’ head. “Are you hurt?”

“Hurt, not really,” Magnus says, stopping to think for a moment. “I feel tired and low on magic, and there is a headache that’s threatening to pound through my skull, but that’s about it when it comes to physical pain.”

“How about emotionally?” Alec asks, his question careful. He knows it’s something they need to talk about, but he’s not sure if now is the right time.

A long sigh follows Alec’s question, and he’s just about to remind Magnus that he doesn’t need to reply if he doesn’t want to, when Magnus speaks.

“I feel weak,” he says, his voice hollow. “Meeting my father would be enough to make me feel like that, but it wasn’t just meeting him. He took control of my body, while trying to play with my mind. That’s the kind of things he does, and he dares to speak about love.”

“You weren’t weak,” Alec reminds him softly. “You got rid of him.”

“I did,” Magnus agrees thoughtfully. “It should take awhile for him to be able to come back to Earth.”

Knowing that makes Alec feel a bit lighter. A part of him had been fearing the possibility of Asmodeus showing up to finish what he’d started. He knows that sending him away indefinitely is not really an option for them, so he finds comfort from how sure Magnus’ words are when he says that Asmodeus isn’t coming back anytime soon. 

The rest of their bath is spent in a calm silence, and the way Magnus’ body seems to relax where it’s resting against Alec lets Alec know that this time the silence really is that - it’s calm and peaceful and there aren’t thoughts left unsaid lingering in the forefront of their minds.

The day has been a lot and they will need time to process all this, but they have each other, and they know that they can count on the other to listen if they need to talk.

* * *

The following night is plagued by nightmares.

Alec wakes up and he feels like he can’t breath. The phantom feeling of magic is squeezing his torso, and he carefully lifts his shaking hand to make sure that he’s able to move it. The movement helps clear some of the fog the nightmare left him in, and he focuses on taking deep breaths. 

Everything is okay. He’s safe, they are both safe.

Alec turns to his side to look at Magnus who is lying on his side of the bed. They had fallen asleep while holding each other close, but had apparently drifted apart during the night.

As Alec is able to calm his own breathing, he can hear that Magnus’ isn’t as peaceful as it should be. As his eyes get used to the darkness, he can see that his husband’s face is scrunched in a way that’s so very far from the relaxed face Alec is used to seeing when he happens to wake up before Magnus.

It’s obvious that Magnus’ isn’t sleeping peacefully, and after what Alec just experienced himself, he can give an educated guess that Magnus is having a nightmare as well. 

Alec doesn’t want to scare Magnus, so he carefully sits up and turns on the small lamp on the bedside table on Alec’s side of the bed, before peeling the comforter from over Magnus’ sweaty upper body. Alec is not sure if he should be touching Magnus, so he settles for gently calling his name.

“Magnus,” he says. “Magnus come on, you need to wake up.”

It takes a while but eventually Magnus’ eyes open, and he’s frantically looking around himself to get a better grip on reality and where he actually is. Eventually his eyes land on Alec, and the sound that leaves Magnus’ throat is something that Alec didn’t know Magnus was even able to produce. 

It’s small, and pained, and weak.

Magnus sits up quickly, practically throwing himself against Alec. It lets Alec know that his touch is welcome.

They are both sweaty, but it doesn’t seem to matter as they hold each other close.

“It was just a nightmare,” Alec whispers while he’s slowly brushing his hand up and down Magnus’ back, hoping that the calming movement helps Magnus to slow down his breathing. Magnus’ grip around Alec’s shoulders is still tense, and he has his head buried in Alec’s neck. It must not be the best position for easy breathing, but if it’s what Magnus wants Alec is going to let him stay there.

“It was just a dream,” Alec repeats calmly.

“A memory,” Magnus corrects, his tone quiet against Alec’s skin. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alec asks, because he doesn’t know what to say when he isn’t sure about what Magnus was dreaming about. If he’d had to guess he’d think that it has something to do with the events of yesterday, but seeing his father might have brought up things that come from further back from Magnus’ memory. Alec only has a vague idea of how Magnus’ life with his father had been when he was younger.

“You died,” Magnus says, and that confirms Alec suspicions. Magnus doesn’t look at him, he’s still hiding in Alec’s neck, and the arms around Alec’s shoulders hold on even tighter. They remind Alec of the bindings he was in yesterday, but he takes in a deep breath that smells like sandalwood and focuses on the warmth Magnus is radiating and he is able to focus on here and now. 

“Clary wasn’t able to trap my father and none of you did anything and I had to watch you die, I- I had to watch as my own hand reached into your chest and- and- “

“Shh,” Alec says, squeezing his own eyes shut at the painful tone of his boyfriend. Magnus is gasping for breath again and Alec pulls away a bit, just enough to be able to look at Magnus. Magnus tries to protest, tries to hold Alec closer, but Alec knows that he needs to look Magnus in the eyes as he says this. He needs him to really hear what he’s saying.

“I’m okay,” Alec says slowly as his hands are cradling Magnus’ face, his thumbs stroking away the tears that keep falling. Magnus is obviously trying to calm down, but is unable to get a hold of his emotions just yet. “I’m okay. Your father is away and it’s thanks to you. You sent him away. He can’t touch us now. I’m not hurt, and you’re in control of yourself. What happened was awful. It’s in the past now and there’s nothing we can do about it. We can try to get past it, and instead of focusing on what could have happened, we can focus on the fact that those things didn’t happen. We are safe, Magnus.”

Magnus calms down but he doesn’t reply, but Alec takes it as a small step forward. Magnus might not be agreeing with him, but he’s not disagreeing either.

They are both in a serious need of a shower, but it’s still way too early to get out of bed and they are both too tired to go through with it. Alec lays them both down on the plush pillows, and it doesn't take long before they are asleep.

Worn down from their nightmares, the both of them sleep the rest of the night free from dreams.

* * *

A new day feels like a fresh beginning.

They go with their routines as they usually do, eating breakfast together before getting ready to face the day. It’s a home day for the both of them, but instead of the subdued look Magnus normally has on days like this, he’s dressed in clothes that Alec can only describe as complicated and his eyes are lined with bold makeup. 

Alec doesn’t question the look, he just smiles and tells Magnus he looks beautiful.

It’s early afternoon when Alec receives a call from Izzy.

His sister seems horribly apologetic to bother Alec on a day that they both know he should be allowed to spend at home, but apparently the Clave had found out about the Greater Demon activity in New York that happened yesterday and now they want to speak to Alec about it. They all know that the Clave isn’t going to take no for an answer.

“Are you sure it’s okay if I leave?” Alec asks for what feels like the hundredth time.

“I’m sure, Alexander.” Magnus says, and even though Alec wouldn’t be surprised if his tone were nearing annoyed by now, he’s smiling, a small fond smile that Alec has only seen directed at him. 

It makes Alec believe what Magnus is saying, so with a final parting kiss, Alec is out of the door and heading to the Institute.

* * *

Magnus manages a full hour before he realises that he doesn’t want to be alone. 

He’s already organized his wardrobe and cleared the table in his apothecary - something he tends to procrastinate unnecessarily much considering he has magic to do it - and even those things weren’t enough to keep him distracted. His thoughts wander, settling to yesterday and what his father said, what he made Magnus do. What almost happened and could have happened if they weren’t so damn lucky. 

It had been a close call, and intellectually Magnus knows that Alec is right, that things did end up well and that they are both safe. But the what-if’s are proving to be hard to shake. 

He was being honest when he told Alec that he was going to be fine if Alec went to the Institute for a few hours. He really believed he would be. But now he realises that he needs the company or else he’s going to go insane.

He knows that Alec would like him to call him, knows that he’d be here in a heartbeat if Magnus asked. Which is exactly why he’s not going to ask. He’s not that desperate. He can wait until the meeting is over.

Magnus creates a portal that leads him to the doors of the Institute.

It’s an odd realization to come to, when he realizes that in his moment of distress, he’s heading to the New York Institute. Magnus could almost laugh if the action didn’t feel horribly out of place for the state he’s in.

Magnus walks in, the guards at the door letting him pass with no questions asked. Another thing that’s changed since he got to know Alec.

Magnus starts walking aimlessly, hoping to find someone he knows who could keep him company while he waits for Alec’s meeting to be over. He’s walking through the ops center when he meets Jace.

“Magnus,” he greets. “Hey.”

“Hey Jace,” Magnus says, stopping in his tracks. 

“Are you looking for Alec?” Jace asks. “He’s in a meeting with the Clave representative but the meeting should be over soon.”

“I know,” Magnus says, and he tries his best to keep his voice casual. “I thought I’d pop in and wait for him in here, I’m thinking of taking him out for a dinner after he survives the horrible interrogation that he’s no doubt enduring at the moment.”

“That sounds nice,” Jace says and they are both quiet for a while until Jace speaks again, his voice low so that the Shadowhunters around them can’t hear him. 

“How are you feeling?” Jace asks, and Magnus knows that Jace can be a caring brother, knows that there’s a different side to the one he usually sees, but this is the first time that concern has been directed at Magnus.

The words ‘I’m fine’ are ready on Magnus’ tongue, like a reflex at this point. But then he remembers that he’s talking to Jace, and that Jace knows how Magnus is feeling. He’s the only one who can understand what it can be like to be mind controlled.

Their situations were different, Magnus was controlled by his father while Jace had been turned to Lilith’s second in command, but they were both made to perform horrible things. They were both made to hurt the people they cared about. 

They were both forced to hurt Alec.

“Guilty,” is the word that tumbles out of Magnus’ mouth, and Jace nods in understanding. 

“Do you want to talk for a moment?” Jace asks, and when he sees Magnus hesitate he continues. “I don’t have anything to do, and Alec will be at the meeting for another half an hour. We can go to his office to wait.”

Magnus considers it for a while, but he eventually agrees. He nods to Jace and they start walking to the direction Magnus had been heading on, and it doesn’t take long before they reach Alec’s office.

Magnus closes the door after them, and watches as Jace gets comfortable on the couch. Magnus lingers at the door for a moment longer before he follows, sitting on the other side of the couch, his hands clasped in his lap and his eyes cast down.

This feels so very wrong. Never in his life did he expect to have a heart-to-heart with Jace Herondale. After everything that has happened in the past 24 hours, this still feels like the most bizarre thing.

“After you freed me from the Owl, I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as Alec,” Jace starts, and Magnus looks at him carefully. Back then he’d been so focused on his own situation that he hadn’t really paid mind to how Jace was doing.

“I felt guilty,” he continues. “Guilty for being so easily manipulated and I felt like I didn’t deserve the kindness and understanding Alec gave me. But we both know Alec, and we know that he won’t let anyone he cares about blame themselves for the things they didn’t do. It took a while, but eventually he pulled me aside to have a conversation with me. It helped. It helped to be honest with him and explain to him how I was feeling. He always claims that he’s not good with things like that, but somehow he knew exactly what I needed to hear.”

“We talked about what happened,” Magnus tells Jace. They did, Magnus told Alec how he was feeling and he’d even let Alec see him break down last night. But the feelings were still gnawing inside Magnus.

“These things don’t pass overnight,” Jace says, like he’s reading Magnus’ mind. “It’s good that you talked about it straight away, but have you continued to be honest with him? Do you think he’s being honest with you?”

That makes Magnus stop and think. Because Jace is right. Magnus had gotten up this morning with a smile on his face when all he wanted to do was stay in bed. He'd wanted to show - to who, he’s not sure - that he won’t let his father affect him anymore. That he's in control. He’d spent extra time getting himself ready this morning, visibly showing the world that he could do what he wanted with his body, that he was in control and could make himself look bold and fearless and powerful.

He’d told Alec he was fine, when he obviously wasn’t. It wasn’t as if he was worried his husband was going to judge him, but he was afraid of holding Alec back. Would Alec have left the loft, if he’d known how Magnus was feeling?

Magnus knows the answer, and it warms his heart and makes his lips curve up just a little bit, a ghost of a smile.

That makes Magnus think further. Because if he’s hiding how he really feels to appear strong in front of Alec, to makes sure his husband doesn’t need to worry about him, Alec might be doing the same thing. Hell, since Magnus had been such a wreck on their dinner last night and after his nightmare, there’s no doubt Alec is pushing away his own feelings to be the rock Magnus needs. It makes Magnus feel both sad and incredibly loved.

It’s something he knows they need to talk about.

“Talk to each other,” Jace says, breaking Magnus from his thoughts. “And I’m sure you two are able to get through this. You just have to do it together.”

Magnus is just about to answer when the door to the office opens, and Alec steps in. He stops at the door when he notices Magnus and Jace on his couch, what looks to be in the middle of a conversation.

“Thank you, Jace.” Magnus says as he stands up, and the smile he gives Jace is grateful. They might not have talked a lot, but the short conversation had made Magnus realise things he feels like a fool for not realising sooner.

“Of course,” Jace says and stands up. He goes to walk past a confused Alec and pats him on the shoulder on his way out of the door.

“What was that about?” Alec asks as Jace closes the door after himself, leaving Alec and Magnus alone in the office. “What are you doing here?”

“I just had a good talk with your parabatai,” Magnus says and walks towards Alec to give him a short kiss on the lips. “Who knew he can actually give good advice.”

Alec just looks even more confused, but he puts his hands to Magnus’ hips, keeping him close.

“I’m here because I changed my mind,” Magnus says, deciding to be honest and hoping that Alec will follow his example. “I didn’t want to be alone.”

It’s a beginning for a long conversation, and by the end of it they are both left with bone deep exhaustion and damp lashes. But now they can both count on the other knowing exactly how they feel, and can trust on that honesty to carry on even after the conversation.

Neither of them is truly okay in this moment, but they are heading there.

Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Another heavy fic, should probably post pure fluff next :D
> 
> If you have something you'd like me to write, you can do as the anon did and leave me a prompt on [tumblr](https://sugarandspace.tumblr.com/) (just know that it might take a small forever for me to actually post it yikes).


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